Having children is something that tends to be on my mind a lot these days. There is this whole idea of the biological clock, that is both frightening and real. As women, if we hadn’t had children in our twenties, turning 30 brings the reality of the biological clock to life. This idea of time is automatically forced upon us and as we get older, our chances of successfully having children and building a family becomes less and less.
I am married, turning 32 this year and I am scared to have kids.
Just like getting married, I never put much thought into having children. I always just assumed I would. I come from a big family and I always knew that was something I wanted. But I have always had a hard time picturing myself with kids. And that has been a really big issue for me. To be honest, until we started to seriously talk about starting a family, I didn’t realize it was something I was so scared of.
I’ve seen plenty of friends and family members start families of their own, Many of them several years ago. When I look at them, it seems like it came so easy to them. They seemed ready. They knew they wanted kids so they had them. I’m not sure if that is how it goes in reality, but when I look at myself, it doesn’t seem that easy.
As soon as Brandon and I got married, people were quick to inquire about when we’d be having kids. Fair enough. However we’ve been married 3 years now and it wasn’t until I turned 30 that the thought became real. It is now a common topic in our household. Thankfully, we seem to be on the same page when it comes to this topic. Are we really ready to have kids?
Last Thanksgiving, I remember talking to my older sister and telling her I was ready, that I had baby fever, and that Brandon and I decided 2018 was going to be the year. Spring, 2018 to be specific. Well spring quickly arrived and we then decided this fall would be it. Fall is here and we’ve already decided 2019 is probably a better idea.
There are several reasons that come to mind when I think about why I’m scared to have kids…
I Can’t Picture It
Like I mentioned before, this is a really big issue for me. As I type this, I guess I’ve never asked anyone if they could picture themselves….do people do that? Or is it just an issue for me? Ha! I’ve always heard women say they can’t wait to be mothers or that they always knew they wanted to be mothers, and that just wasn’t me. I have this idea in my head that I should be able to picture myself as a mother. That picture isn’t there though. And for some reason, that scares me.
I’m Scared of How Our Relationship Will Change
Brandon and I have been together a very long time. A part of me fears that bringing a child into our relationship will change things completely. And I do not, in anyway, think this is an unreasonable feeling. Our relationship will undoubtedly change, but in what way, is the part that scares me. The thing is, I have no doubt that Brandon and I can face whatever comes our way, together, but it is still something I think about when the conversation comes up.
I Honestly Don’t Feel Ready
But here’s the thing…when I hold a friends baby or see a cute baby, I really do get, what I imagine to be is, that “baby fever” feeling. Which is why this part really confuses me. People will always say “you’ll never be ready”, but there are times I feel like I should feel more ready than I do. I also have a very strong feeling that I will “never be ready”, until it happens.
At the end of the day, I am beyond grateful that Brandon and I seem to be on the same page with this. While I am scared to have kids, I have no doubt in my mind that we will eventually start a family. Maybe it will be in 2019, maybe it will be the end of this year, or just maybe it’ll be in 2 years. I don’t really know. I also don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for that life altering decision to be finalized, but I do know it’s something we both want and we’ll do it when we are good and ready.